Over the course of 24 years, there have been amazing Valentine’s days and some more subdued. But no matter the style, it was sweet because I shared it with that someone special. A person who told me everyday he loved me.
This Valentine’s Day is quite different. In fact, it has already been a restless night, as I am writing this at 3 a.m. In addition to the romantic holiday, there are a number of reasons for the restlessness, with one being something that is happening in just a few hours.
For you earlier-bird readers who happened to check my blog, without a social media link (and for the rest of you who see this later, when I share it out) – here’s the BIG news!
I’m buying red house!! In Missouri. On Valentine’s Day.
It’s the cutest, little house in Springfield.
The moment I walked in, I fell in love with the unique character. I could imagine myself there, writing, processing life, grieving on and making new memories. It’s an older home, that needs some updates, but I’m excited about a fresh space with much creative potential. In many ways, I am ready to move away from our Arkansas home filled with good but many hard memories. Of course, I haven’t figured out all the plans of moving my life from our home in Arkansas to my new home in Missouri, but that’s in the works and will take a bit more time to sort through.
The decision to buy this home was one I debated, discussed and prayed over greatly! It’s a big decision. Ultimately, it's an option that will allow me to stabilize - putting me in a space and place to quickly access some amazing friends and family who have walked this journey with me.
Of course, there’s a tension with it still. As a pretty independent, adventure-seeking person, coming back to my ol’ Missouri stomping grounds seems in some ways, dare I say, boring. It is not . . . However, for more than a decade Josh and I enjoyed venturing around the country, living in four other states and multiple homes. There was always a thought of, where will we move next? We imagined coming back “home” eventually but not sure when. We imagined living in bigger cities, other countries - London, Australia, Africa, wherever.
In this new chapter, I often have to remind myself that this is not boring or considered settling, but that it is also good. It’s an opportunity to trust and lean into the community of friends and family around me. It’s continuing to accept that my partner, spouse and friend who helped me make big decisions isn’t here for this one. Wow! That stings and stinks!
In the process of accepting, I am striving to not dwell on the negative - which is so easy to do!! I am sad and happy about this, and as with most big decisions, there's a level of anxiousness. I worry this might end up in disaster, like that old movie, The Money Pit. Hopefully not! :)
My prayer all along has been for God to close the door if this wasn’t right - stop the process! But it truly has been the smoothest home purchase process ever.
I believe God IS in the details and He loves me greatly. So, with all the pieces in place, on Feb. 14, 2020, I am taking the next right step and asking God to go before me with this new home.
Whew! Big day!
“It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you;
he will not leave you or forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed.” – Deuteronomy 31:8
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Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.