Within today's grief narrative, I find there is a pit in my stomach as the date of when I last sat beside my loved one living and breathing approaches. Today is Sept 29, 2021, nearly two years before the "tomorrow" when I officially said goodbye to Josh. I recall that weekend not going well and my anxiety was high. It was a Sunday - but not a typical Sunday with church and all the things. In fact, none of the Sundays for the past six months had really been typical. Our life had been flipped upside down. Ugh...brain cancer. I can still feel the weight of anxiety within me as I reflect back.
Fast forward, two years and I am free to travel on a road trip through Kansas to see my sister-in-law. Currently, my dogs are laying at my feet as I type this post with the door is open inside a KOA cabin in Wakeeney - it's glorious outside and the highway noise reminds me that life does indeed go on.
My life that existed two years ago is very different today - yet I am still Jenn Brown. A person who still enjoys life, music, road trips, puppies, shoes, new adventures, relationships, and my ongoing journey with God. How my life displays this day is quite different, with the primary change being that Josh (my husband) is not around to share in these adventures.
On top of all of this, I find myself wrestling with trust - both trusting myself and God with what is happening and what might happen next. I don’t believe I am alone in the challenge of trusting again after loss or change. It would be easy for me to just say, “God is good! Just keep trusting him! All will be fine!” These are true statements. Yet, it is harder to say them, believe them and feel them – often it is REALLY hard to feel them.
There are times when I don’t truly believe I’ll be fine or that it will all "work out," but that is part of the trusting part – believing at core that God has a much, much larger perspective than I ever will. Trusting that there is still so much beauty discover if I keep stepping forward in my grief, in my story, and with the hope and peace of God, which surpasses all understanding.
So with this thought in mind, I make a "toast" . . . here’s to today, where once again I am asking God to be WITH me (both today and tomorrow) in a different way, and as the rest of Philippians 4:7 says to guard [my] heart and [my] mind in Christ Jesus.
Another version of the same passage (below) in The Message version is even stronger. I especially like the last line: "It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life!
Whew! I am not there yet and may not ever be but what a challenging thought.
Don’t fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray. Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.