Tears Between Tasks

Day 3
I stayed up way too late working on photos and the service program but couldn’t sleep anyway, so why not. Again, upon waking and realizing this is another new day without Josh, my eyes filled with tears.

Early this morning, we had to officially send in the official obituary to the paper. How is this possible? Am I really hitting send on an email titled Josh Brown Obituary. Yes. Sad. But true. Not fake news, not practice, not someone else’s story that doesn’t cut as deep.

This simple but hard task led to lots more tears to start the day.

We continue on . . .

Working on the various projects, tasks and pieces needed for Saturday‘s services. There is limited time and space between the tasks where I can grieve but I still do of course.

I look forward to Saturday’s service and honoring Josh but I am terrified of it also. Another reminder that all of this is really happening.

As I have been reminded many times, God’s got this, he’s got me, he’s got us and ultimately his love and light will be shown through Saturday’s events. Therefore we trust him ever still.

That old Rich Mullins song that Josh also enjoyed, “Hold Me Jesus” is so fitting.

Hold Me Jesus
Well, sometimes my life just don't make sense at all
When the mountains look so big,
And my faith just seems so small

So hold me Jesus,
Cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
And I wake up in the night and feel the dark
It's so hot inside my soul
I swear there must be blisters on my heart

So hold me Jesus,
Cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

Surrender don't come natural to me
I'd rather fight you for something
I don't really want
Than to take what you give that I need
And I've beat my head against so many walls
Now I'm falling down, I'm falling on my knees

And the Salvation Army band is playing this hymn
And Your grace rings out so deep
It makes my resistance seem so thin

So hold me Jesus,
Cause I'm shaking like a leaf
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace
You have been King of my glory
Won't You be my Prince of Peace

​(In a weird parallel, Rich Mullins also died in September with a birthday in October at the age of 41).