So this is Christmas...
Christmas 2019 Debrief
Does a beautiful day, filled with great weather, moments, memories and thoughtful gifts always feel beautiful? No.
I wanted so much to enjoy every moment possible but also felt like a rain cloud was over my head all day (or past few) or like I was carrying around a big heavy brick. I laughed, smiled and loved spending time with my brother-in-laws family, my niece and nephews, my dad and stepmom.
I even carried on our tradition of watching LOTR this time with with a new viewing audience consisting mostly of my niece - who said she enjoyed it - yea!!
We worked together to make a special new meal (some Bobby Flay tacos). I imagined that this might be a recipe Josh might have picked for this year. His version would have been more elaborate but ours was good and enjoyed by all!
As I tried to cling to some traditions, the whole experience of Christmas and Christmas Eve was different this year. I knew it would be. Even if I did the same things at home, it would be different. Both variations sad. Once again it’s a continual mix of joy and sorrow.
At various moments, I felt disappointed in myself for not being able to fully enjoy all the great moments in the day. I wondered if I talked too about Josh or not enough. Was I making the day more sad for others? The insecurities that often tack on to grief make days like Christmas an even bigger challenge.
Even if I take up the motto of “you be you” I still am stumped at times of what that looks like, feels like, etc.
So at the end of this tiring Christmas that stretched me in my own grief process a bit more, I can stay Merry Christmas and I am glad this specific day, December 25, 2019 is over in many ways. However, I am also glad for the beautiful memories that God allowed me to experience on this specific day. For the joy that can still be found in seasons of heartache.
“But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people;”
Luke 2:10 NASB
12/26/2019 09:53:53 am
You made it!!!!! I'm so glad you chose to spend it with family. Each year it will be a little easier, you will always miss the love of your life. I know Josh is VERY proud of you as he always was. I'm so glad I could see you and give you a BIG hug. I wish only the very best for you in the new year. I love you, Jennifer.
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Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.