October 27 & 28
My adventures across New Mexico over the course of two days were both wide and deep. From the white sands dunes as far as you could see to deep caverns with unbelievable formations. Many thoughts crossed my mind during this time from the warning to “not get lost” because tracks in the sand will blow away to “what story can this cave tell us.”
Both concepts resonate with me. As I process each day without Josh, there are times when I think I might know where I’m going, how to do this this, but then I look around and all my tracks are missing and I am again at a loss – asking the same questions. There is definitely a story being told in my life here and with Josh’s testimony of life and faith. This story is deeper than the deepest cavern and there are many, many places that I can’t even begin to see.
There was moment on the cave tour of Carlsbad Caverns today where they turned off the lights to let us "feel" what it might have been like for the first people who discovered the cave. I know this is a common tactic for tour guides but of course this time as I sat in that darkness I thought of how it feels to sit in this new season that I am actively discovering.
There’s a lot of trust needed in this place that feels a bit dark, damp and directionless. While I know trusting God is the best option, trusting still feels like a challenge after such a disappointment. Do I trust that God won't let me down? I don't know. Feel like he has. I have to continue push my mind and heart to thinking eternally but my selfish heart would rather have a different reality.
It's more than complicated. Again, the journey continues and I ask for God’s clarity and wisdom in each new step and path, while focusing on reminders like Psalm 62:8 even when I don't "feel" like trusting:
Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.