(Warning: Sad post)
Well, it happened today. A Grief Bomb. The extra sad kind.
It struck right in the middle of the afternoon while I was on a work call with other people - thankfully video off and sound muted.
We were chatting casually about obstacles that come with working from home (WFH) – the distractions, the new challenges of communication and conflict resolution with spouses and family members, etc. I even engaged in the conversation when, “Wham!' It hit me, without warning.
The element that is really missing in my life as it relates to this particular conversation is . . . Josh.
How I would love to be facing the challenge of sharing a workspace with my late spouse. What things would be making us crazy or not? What music would we be listening to together? Would we both be sitting at the kitchen table or in separate rooms?
I don’t have answers to these questions. And, that, in fact, IS quite sad. Many times over the past few weeks, I have been thankful that Josh isn’t here right now battling cancer –– with all that’s happening it would have been complicated. Even considering this though, it doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him being here.
I still wish to see his smiling face sitting across this very table from me. I wish for that so very much.
Even as hope for the future and interesting new ideas have filled my mind of late, grief has a tight grip that can so easily probe the heart.
Within grief, loneliness is something that can quickly be activated. At times, it is easy to spot, to prepare for it, maybe even kind-of know what to do with it. Other times, it lurks silently waiting until a conversation or memory brings it to the forefront.
At any level of grief, being isolated from people physically is a challenge. Sometimes, we choose to isolate; other times circumstances require it, but either way from my perspective, isolation often amplifies the emotions. It's good to face the emotions, but hard.
Even with an abundance of digital connections such as text, video and voice calls, the desire to see someone close up for an extended amount of time is still wanted and healthy. I miss connecting with people in person, as many others do because of the situation that’s happening with Covid-19. I understand why we’re keeping the distance, it's needed, but still is a challenge.
Beyond all of it, I miss connecting with the ONE person that I would actually most enjoy being stuck in quarantine with.
So, in an effort to end on a positive note (although not required), please take a moment today to simply enjoy being "stuck" with the person or people you love most dearly who may equally be driving you crazy.
These are treasured times, truly.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.