Maybe it's Halloween or this particular season but the idea of ghosts echoed in my mind much of the day and night So much so, that a song by Lord Huron called "Love Like Ghosts," kept coming to mind. The opening few lines are:
Yes I know that love is like ghosts
Oh, few have seen it, but everybody talks
Spirits follow everywhere I go
Oh they sing all day and they haunt me in the night
Of course, I don't really believe in ghosts that haunt you and occupy spaces but I do have to say there are a lot of unexplained things out in the world. Some mysteries that linger. For me the idea of ghosts resonates as I often feel that Josh's presence is still all around me. Maybe it's because he was and is so much a part of me as my spouse and partner in life, ministry, love, etc. There will always be a part of him that I carry with me. Everywhere I go, memories of Josh follow. These memories of moments are often unique to me, meaning few see these exact memories, even if they know of them.
This Halloween, I played door host for my mother-in-law's very busy trick-or-treat, Halloween home. Much of the night I hid out in my Scooby Doo head, stopping a few times for hellos and chats with friends and family. I can't say I really enjoy the evening but there were some highlights and times when I didn't want to run screaming for the quiet, scenic hills that I have been enjoy these past few weeks.
It's still strange to continue on with regular activities and events. Someone posted yesterday on social media, "Halloween is trash." This comment made me laugh as I thought, "Halloween is lame!" Typically, any excuse for a party - especially a theme party - is one I love but in this season, everything seems a bit dumb. Not quite as enjoyable. Even a silly costume doesn't mask my aching heart.
Instead of enjoying these moments, I find myself drifting aimlessly at times wanting to just have a big pity party. This is when I have to intentionally pray for God's help and direction. To not make all of this about me, and me alone. Today, my prayer continues to be that God will restore to me hope and joy. I know he can and is doing it even now. I still have these characteristic within me but they are harder to feel at times. That's why this prayer is important. It's about proclaiming God's ability and reality in light of my current mood.
Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
– Psalm 51:12
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.