Sitting on my friend’s land, overlooking the Wilson’s Creek valley I begin a conversation, “Lord restore my hope in you. It’s hard to see your hope right now. It’s hard to see you through the clouds that seem to surround me. Through the grief.”
At that moment, a friend from Nevada texted wanting to chat. We haven’t talked much recently but I was free and she wanted to share something with me. So we talked.
She shared that she believe one of Josh’s message I shared earlier in our story is for me. It’s a roadmap on how to continue - to continue our story not just the story of grief and heartache but also our story of love and relationship.
To speak about it, to write about to show people the value of life, relationship and grieving well.
Of course, my eyes flooded with tears.
My heart hopes is that this is true - that our story, Josh and I’s story, is not one to be forgotten, that the story God is writing in my life today still has an audience - even if it is me.
I still often get caught on the how and where, etc. Somewhat lost in the details. But the path because a little clearer...
Maybe God wants me worried less about the how and where but instead on who. It’s God and me and it’s a God who splits the seas, it’s God who makes paths and creates all that we see. It’s a journey of trust, a reminder once again to keep hoping. Perhaps, it’s following those same words from Frozen 2 - “do the next right thing.”
Even after all this I want to say “But How” even though I just answered that.
“Trust in me”
Those are the words I hear back.
Hearing God’s confirmation doesn’t make any of this grief, sorrow or pain easier but it’s something to hold on to for this day. A day that started with me asking God to restore my hope.
Hope that feels like it has been stomped on by goats.*
For those of you following along, can I ask for your prayers for wisdom as I grieve on and navigate the uncertain waters of what’s next?
With a grateful heart - Jenn
*(This came to mind because where I am staying the have goats that my dogs were barking at and running by during my morning conversations.)
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.