So, what have I been doing lately? Clearly not sharing any blog posts. But I have been thinking, a lot. In fact, I've been thinking about SO many things that often my brain seems too full to actually write down the thoughts. I know this may sound silly, but it's true. Today, I decided to tackle it.
As March began, I felt a bit of hope grow in me. I'll preface this by saying, January and February were rough; physically and emotionally it was a low point in the grief journey. Getting into March, my back pain decreased and I could see through the murky sorrow much more clearly. I began to once again tap into hope, curiosity about the future and more – I even started sorting through Josh's clothes (this is a big step).
Then you know what happened?! Covid-19. This has changed so much in such a short time period already. To me, it feels like I'm watching grief on a grand scale occur anew each day. Similar thoughts and feelings connected to isolation, fear, stress and doubt that I experienced personally last year, in what I might call Josh-19 (hopefully not insensitively), are now reflected in our world. Fear and stress are high!
Yet in a juxtaposition, I find myself in a place where I'm discovering hope, joy and peace that until recently has been subdued. How to reconcile the grand grief and hope with the specific grief and concern for today is yet another thing to process.
In a recent church message, "Hope is Contagious" by Craig Groeschel, he offered a challenge to not be carriers of fear during this uncertain time but rather carriers of faith, hope and love. I love this encouragement.
In the hardest times in my grief and care-giving journey, God sustained me and saw me though. Did I face fear, doubt and discouragement? Yes. Do I still believe God came through. Yes. Do I believe he will come through again and again? Mostly Yes - ha! (Sorry have to be honest, always. Trust is always an ongoing process, I really want to say yes without the mostly).
Through it all, I believed in God's faithfulness in 2019 and I believe in it in 2020.
In the end, this verse comes to mind:
"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
- 2 Timothy 1:7
As we tackle these next few weeks (months?), maybe the self-discipline of staying home is what's required, but so is the self-discipline of showing love, hope and encouragement with one another in whatever way possible (in person or digitally).
It's a challenge for me, at times, to look outside my own grief perspective and see others. This might also be a challenge for you while trying to process so many emotions in a shifting season.
Let's try it together. And pray for one another in the process.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.