It seems like such simple task, changing a profile picture. But which one to choose?
Typically I would change my photo for every season or event, but right now I am stumped. Do I change it? Or should I keep the autumn one that I have had for a while, even when Josh was here on earth as we entered the fall season?
Does changing the photo make it feel like you (Josh) are still here with me, getting ready to celebrate the season? Maybe a little. Even though, I know logically this isn’t true, how I wish it was. Maybe it’s the idea of Christmas magic or wishes that has me thinking this way. Holding onto a false, but happy, reality seems slightly better.
Even as I navigate what is real, or not, in this season, I carry Josh with me. These memories are real and are special. I hold tight to our memories of the season, memories of decorating, movie watching, holidays parties and Christmas services. These memories are gifts that last through all seasons. They are like a favorite show or song on repeat.*
The gift of you. The gift of our love, our relationship, our story.
It’s a different kind of gift and one I can’t or won't let go of.
As I look ahead to Christmas, I know we won’t have a new picture by the tree this year and even writing this fact makes my heart sink. The best thing I can do right now is update my profile to one that represents a great moment in our regular, daily story from seasons gone by.
Changing my profile picture from our fall photo represents a small step as I continue grieving into the Christmas season.
I'm not letting go but leaning forward and looking out over this big chasm of Christmas grief, curious about the view.
*(BTW, this year I have Elvis' Blue Christmas on repeat).
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.