Today was World Kindness Day and also Cardigan Day - in honor of Mr. Rogers who showed kindness to the world. With this, I thought, "I know someone who loved cardigans! – Josh!!" So, I carefully organized a nice outfit and topped it with one of Josh's well-worn blue cardis.
I decided to embrace the day by going our favorite coffee shop, getting myself a mocha then paying for few extra cups for others who might stop by the place next. This random act of kindness - which I now feel like I am bragging about (seriously not trying to but rather reporting on the day - helped me walk back into our favorite shop for the second time since Josh passed away. Going through the drive thru is much easier still.
The rest of the day was busy with work events and conversations but intermittently, all day, tears rushed forward. Even as I got ready this morning they hit. For the record, it's really hard to get ready for work when you are crying.
Trying to mask the heartache even when trying to offer up kindness for others also doesn't work. It's like instead of random acts of kindness hitting there are random acts of crying (oh boy!). Jarringly, the fact still hits me often that Josh isn't here. I know it but am still accepting it.
Today I can easily say that grief is neither kind nor easy. Often I feel like I've been beaten up by this event and this season of grieving on. I know there is hope and acceptance in the process somewhere but I also know that I am long way from those feelings.
For now, I attempt to rest in God's lovingkindness - this rich Old Testament word at times means "loyal steadfast love." There is comfort in this kind of love - even as my heart aches for the person I have loved for so long, I know God's love is even richer. Thankfully, God's love remains loyal and steadfast even as I yo-yo and question my way through this season.
"O give thanks to the Lord, for He is good; For His lovingkindness is everlasting.
- Chronicles 16:34
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.