Goodnight Stars & Morning Tears
Enter Day 1 - I woke up crying, of course.
I tried to sleep last night and although exhausted, I struggled. I couldn't even really think, my mind a mushy mess.
I ended last night outside staring at the stars. When I looked at my watch at 11:45 p.m. I thought, "I can't go to sleep until I see the last moment of this night" – the last night/day spent with Josh here on earth. So I waited. I laid on the patio furniture and gazed at the stars and let the sorrow sink in even more. I finally surrendered at 12:05. I had made it to a new official day.
Going to sleep wasn't easy even after an emotional day. I knew I needed sleep but simply could not. Instead, I watched old TV comedies that I've often enjoyed with Josh. After a few episodes I fell asleep, only to wake up one hour later. Ugh! The second time three hours later. I stirred and immediately felt the need to cry. And did. Ugh!
The support and encouragement pouring in on my text and social media posts are encouraging but result in more tears. I thought, maybe, I had pre-grieved some but nope, still not enough. There's no way to really prepare.
I know this is going to be a long road. My heart will continue to be heavy for long time, grief continues on. I know it.
For now, I cry out for the Lord's help. And lean in on the love and support that is surrounding me.
I pray that Jesus will be with me and trust truly that he is indeed.
10/1/2019 06:31:52 am
So sorry Jenn, praying for you
10/1/2019 07:40:41 am
Love you, Jenn. Keep writing whether you choose to share or not. It’s a gift that will sustain you. Here for you always.
Julian and Vicki Richardson
10/1/2019 09:39:35 am
Dearest Jenn, No words can express the love and support we send to you. We have benefitted for so many years from the bright rays of light which have come to us from knowing you both. We prayed that the Lord would not take him from us. But He chose to do just that to accomplish His Will. Heaven is a happier place these days. I had the special blessing of not only knowing Josh as Ben's friend but as a work colleague as well. What a blessing! He was the humorous, sometimes kindly, sometimes wise friend who made stress filled days tolerable. I remember many guffaws (Josh generated) around the round table at MCC. Some of those times occurred during or following chemo. Such strength and resilience...! He was a special man with a loving, sweet, Godly heart. May God wrap His arms around you and comfort you in your grief. "Sorrow comes in the night but Joy comes in the morning." Keep your eyes on the Savior and know He cares for you. We love you!
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Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.