On Sunday, it was mid 70s, a perfect day for hanging out with family and friends and even some outlet mall shopping in Branson where I got the most wonderful coat just in time for winter weather which happened on Monday. The temperature plummeted all day and the area turned into a slick winter wonderland of ice, sleet, freezing rain and a little snow in 24 hours. As everyone at work kind of freaked out about the weather, I thought, "Is this something worth being crazy about?"
While I did enjoy leaving early and work from home before the roads got worse (which they did) I also felt disappointed that I couldn't call Josh to convince him to also come home early and snuggle with me on the couch. In fact, most of the afternoon and evening, I just felt weirdly frozen in my grief - not quite sure how I felt about the day. I made some house progress with cleaning and fixed up the mantle decor that I had grown to dislike very much over the past week, switched around more photos and pondered this new season of life even more.
My brain is still in overdrive, thinking about Josh, life decisions and what it looks like to move forward or rather grieve onward. There really isn't a roadmap. Even as I read the stories of others who have or are now experiencing similar grief, I can't duplicate their journey but rather continue on in my story. Most of the time the big question in my mind is, "What should I do now?" I rarely have a good answer which leads to the "frozen feelings."
I pray often that God will continue to guide my next steps, that he will continue to shine a light on the path forward. I know he will, but how and when it will actually come together in my mind is still a mystery.
Day by day, Lord show me the way - that sounds like a song lyric.
For this day, at least I'll look stylish while I'm frozen because of the weather or my emotions.
Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.
- Psalm 119:105
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Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.