Returning home seems to be the hardest. This time it was the solo return trip from Republic (Josh’s hometown) to our current home in Arkansas.
As I drove out of Missouri into the western sunset my eyes kept filling with tears. It was like I was driving downhill trying not to brake (or cry) but couldn’t stop from accelerating right into a puddle. That’s when the thought hit, “Crap, I’m crying again.”
The tears formed, as I thought about Josh not being in the car with me making this return trip. These continued to flow as I knew he won’t be at home, that we weren't able laugh and talk about our most recent Missouri adventure, enjoying Halloween, my dad's birthday and joyfully sharing about exploring our friends property and so many other great moments from the past couple days.
I don’t want to be crying and also don’t want to be experiencing this heartache but I am. Tears are a natural response to a great loss, but knowing this doesn't make it any more enjoyable. This time, no matter how many deep breaths I took, I had to embrace the emotions of this particular journey home and again when I arrived at the emptier house.
Monday I head back to work, where I'll try to find normal in the midst of a very new direction that life has delivered. It’s stressful anticipating the day. And I can only move ahead holding on to God’s promises that he will continue to be with me in the unknown. Focusing on God's words to Joshua (in the Bible) I’ll trust in God's familiar truth as I prepare for this path:
“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” - Joshua 1:9
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.