There are no awards given out for making it through a tough week, for grieving well (or even not so well).
It’s Friday, the day we often look forward to where we get to sit back and enjoy the weekend. Maybe go out to a movie, enjoy a good meal, spend more time together and just relax a bit.
As I walked out of the office today, I thought, “I made it. I made through a whole week.” A week where I had to tell at least 10 people why I had been out of the office, that my husband had died. I made it through five days of driving to and from work, often crying and wishing I could call Josh, like I had hundreds of times on the short drive. Confession, I actually did call his phone number every day. I didn’t leave him a message but listened to his voicemail, hung up and said a few things I might say to him anyway. I know this isn’t an uncommon thing to do in grief but not one talked about much.
The week was a success but it didn’t feel like a victory. Did people even notice? I don’t need people to congratulate me on making it through a hard week but maybe I want it to simply be acknowledged. Of course, what I really want most is to have Josh here with me agreeing and acknowledging that it was tough week. I miss his hugs and him letting me know he’s proud of me for whatever.
At the end of the day/week, what really stinks is the one person I want to hear from most is not one I can hear from today. This is still part of the wrestling process - the coming to terms with the truth of my circumstance and the heartbreak of this loss. The quiet that comes with this reality. The tears that just keep coming.
I think about the truth I have heard in the past, remembering and holding close the encouraging messages I have heard so often from Josh. Beyond this, I continue to trust in God’s great love for me that is evident even as I sit in my car with tears in my eyes and as I mope around not knowing what to do.
Abiding in God's love has never been so complicated yet so critical.
“Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love.” - John 15:9
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.