Maybe it's the wave of emotions that come with this season, but there are days when I just want to curl up on the couch and watch shows all day. Maybe today, it's because my hammock broke while I sat on it a couple days ago and my back continues to be sore, but that's not my excuse for every day.
On these “feel like doing nothing days,” I still, of course, do a few things but they don't feel productive as there’s a lot of time wasted on old English Masterpiece Theater TV dramas or old episodes of Psych. At times, I start to feel bad that I’m not really “doing anything” but then I give myself permission to just be okay with whatever this is and remember that I am not doing nothing, but ultimately am providing care for my spouse in a super strange season – meeting needs that can be unpredictable throughout the days and nights.
Last week, during a quick coffee break, a friendly barista asked about my day landing on the question, "Are you working today?" Not knowing what to say, I said, “No” which she celebrated with, “Well that’s great.” I just smiled oddly and walked away – it didn't really feel like a celebration moment.
I have always enjoyed working. I don’t mind staying busy with various jobs, creative projects, office drama, meetings, plans, etc. (Sometimes, I even love it too much!) Right now, work looks quite a bit different. While I have some projects I can do at home, most of my time is in a new role that isn’t a job I am paid for, but one that fills me with both joy and heartache. It is tiring and stressful at times yet rewarding too. It is definitely NOT an 8 to 5 gig that can quickly be forgotten about for a few hours as I go do something fun.
Family and friends visit and give me an opportunity to take breaks, but this can also be hard as the role of caregiving remains “on call” emotionally and practically.
In sharing this, I feel like I am rambling a bit, but in doing so I hope to give just a brief glimpse into this part of our story. The physical and mental changes in Josh since April have happened quickly. These changes have also meant speedy changes to our lives, careers and home. Now, we sit in the middle of this season, waiting, hoping, praying and trusting. It's strange to experience this life-shift in our early forties - the time of career growth and somewhat expected stability
There is an eagerness to move forward that is also filled with a mix of hope, fear, curiosity and concern. I find myself thinking, “How do we, or how do I, do this?” Ultimately, I don’t have an answer but often hear God answer back, "Just keep trusting, just keep trusting." Kind of like Dory in Finding Nemo, that we also recently watched, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." even in that sing-song voice, "Just keep trusting . . . trusting . . . trusting."
“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. " – Matthew 6:34
In April of 2019, we learned that Josh had a large brain tumor, a glioblastoma, in the middle of his brain. At the age of 41, this was quite the surprise. Josh sadly passed away after a short battle on September 30, 2019.
View his obituary
These past months, we've navigated the complexities of treatment, and hospice care and learned that there wasn't really treatment and that in Josh's case, the tumor was inoperable.
We're sharing our hearts and experience as we navigate this unexpected turn and God's goodness in the middle of it. We hope to encourage others by sharing our story.
Thank you for following along with our journey even in grief.
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If you'd like to donate to medical expenses, here's a link or you can email us questions
More about Josh & Jenn
Jenn Brown is the author of this site, a loving wife and communications guru.
Josh Brown most recently served on staff at Fellowship Bible Church in NWA as a Springdale Community Pastor. We've served in ministry in Missouri, Texas, Virginia and Nevada.
Cancer has been big part of our story. Josh has battled cancer three times already with the first to being non-Hodgkins lymphoma at ages 15 and 25 and the third thyroid cancer last year and a GBM, brain tumor this year.
Jenn's mom, Carol passed away from breast cancer 21 years ago and her father also went through treatments for Chronic Leukemia (CLL) in 2017 and is doing well now.
Friends & Family
We have been so encouraged by friends and family. Thank you for the practical ways you are caring for us! We love you all! This is just few photo highlights of some meaningful moments.