It's been a while since I woke to find myself almost immediately crying -- a few months really. Of course, I have shed random tears throughout the days and nights but not right after waking. Today, I found myself awake early (like 5:30, which is super early to me) and in the darkness of my bedroom, with slight blue light from the Christmas tree, the depth of how much I missed Josh hit.
I really miss him. These feelings had been building all week as I decorated for Christmas, put away the fall decor representing a season of radical change and continued holiday shopping this weekend. While tears leaked from here to there, a real good cry hadn't happened until this morning.
In a recent article titled "What Grieving People Wish You Knew at Christmas," the author talks about our tears,
"For most of us, grief tends to work itself out in tears — tears that come out at times we don’t expect. . . . But it makes sense that the great sorrow of losing someone we love would come out in tears. Tears are not the enemy. Tears do not reflect a lack of faith. Tears are a gift from God that help to wash away the deep pain of loss."
While I agree that it makes sense for tears to come from deep sorrow, I am not sure these truly wash away the deep pain of loss. Of course, it is cathartic and tears help release the emotional pressure, but for me, the gift is knowing that God sees me fully and knows my heart during these heart-wrenching moments. That God is with me even in my darkest hour when I am crushed, because of the simple fact that I miss Josh so much it hurts. The tears are not washing away the deep pain as that doesn't seem possible at the moment. Sure, it might get easier over time, but there is a chance too that this ache might continue for a lifetime. A hurt that is healed only by a heavenly homecoming that is in God's timing.
In returning to the material, there's a truth that stands out, "Tears are not the enemy. Tears do not reflect a lack of faith."
Tears also do not mean that you (or I) are weak. As the unexpected tears fall, at home, in the car, at church or even in random bathroom stalls, there is hope and peace close by. There is love and comfort that comes from what some call the unexpected Jesus – a God who shows up when least expected or in the most unexpected way, just when we need him most. There is great joy in this knowledge even if it is hard to feel in each and every moment.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.