I thought I would be past ridiculous amounts of tears on a Monday of a regular week, but no. Tears still appear at random times for brief and longer periods.
The sorrow is real, I've lost someone dear. The tears reflect that fact.
Today's emotional trigger began with a call to our insurance company to talk about some of our claims. The comment, "I am sorry for your loss," hit me by surprise yet again. It's been a few months since I heard those words and hearing them out loud made me run smack into reality once again.
Small things that hold good memories like photo highlights and finding our healthy eating plan from last January amplified the tension inside me today. Until, finally, at home, while baking fish for one, the emotions hit hard. Today's a sad day. Very. (Cry emojis everywhere).
It seems the moment I feel I'm making progress, I am suddenly derailed – a total mess. This is what grief looks like for me (a little over 3 months in).
I know there is hope for the future, but my hurt can so easily overshadow it. It's a continual battle of my mind, heart and emotions. I've been dwelling on the idea of what it means to be a warrior in this season –how to grieve on healthily.
When finally watching the last LOTR movie, Return of the King, this weekend, I was again captivated by the enduring friendship of Frodo and Sam, who faced many obstacles in their journey. I debated which one of characters represented me best, and have an idea. Near the end, as Frodo writes his closing words in the book, he says, "There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep… that have taken hold." I feel the depth of those emotions, yet am early in the process and have not given time much of a chance. I also know, there IS more to my story, as it continues on (much like Sam).
"The last pages are for you, Sam." - Frodo.
Stumbling through messy grief days is no fun, my strength wavers even as I attempt to "warrior on." Thankfully, I am not on my own, and can trust in a Warrior that remains strong and faithful each step in the journey.
In the middle of my (very ugly) cry-party, I found some encouragement in Zephaniah 3:16-17. There's a lot of context in this section of the Bible, yet even here on this teary-eyed day, I can relate to these words.
"… "Don't be afraid. Dear Zion, don't despair.
Your GOD is present among you, a strong Warrior there to save you.
Happy to have you back, he'll calm you with his love and delight you with his songs."
– Zephaniah 3:16-17 (The Message).
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.