This month has clicked by day by day like that ticking crocodile in Peter Pan. It started 12 days ago with the realization that it was indeed the first day of September.
This is usually a wonderful month as the seasons change, fall decor appears, new activities and sports begin. The weather dips slightly and the desire for pumpkin spice items increases to a ridiculous level. I actually love fall and especially pumpkin time (my most favorite time!)
However, this year there is a bit of a sting to the word September.
My mind and heart cannot help but feel rattled as I connect to the fact that September was the month Josh died - more specifically the very last day of September one year ago. Ugh! There is not much joy in this realization.
I am rounding the bend, so to speak, to the one year mark and it still seems so surreal. Particularly this month, new waves of grief have hit almost recklessly –– and I am only 12 days in! I admit, I find it almost annoying –– even though I know at root it is because of a great love that I hold in my heart for Josh and our story together.
Still, I wish I wouldn’t spontaneously cry over a new love song I hear or because the Chiefs' season began or because cardigan season is almost here. As much as I want to simply, “move on” to the next phase, there are times when I feel completely stuck, baffled. I wonder if September will always sting a bit?
Looking at the broader picture of grief and widowhood, the new waves of grief serve as a reminder that the process of sorting out all the emotions is still ongoing and there is no real time table on it.
Additionally, this means realizing (and being okay with) the fact that last year's life disruption will create additional waves as I paddle into new and changing grief waters. This means, there will be moments when people encounter my heartache even if I would rather them not see it. (Quick reminder for myself and you: acknowledging the sorrow and the tears, isn't a sign of weakness - it's part of grieving on honestly. But yes it's messy!)
As I strive to be honest with my grief and acknowledge the various patterns and emotions, I still can’t make sense of it all the time. Grief is NOT always logical - and that in itself is also annoying!
An interesting passage sits in the middle of Chapter 3 of Lamentations, a sorrowful book and even chapter that still spotlights hope. For me, it's a great reminder for this challenging fall month. The "Therefore" at the end...is a good one . . . The Lord is my portion.
The Lord’s lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
“Therefore I have hope in Him.”
– Lamentations 3:22-24
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.