I keep staring at it — my empty wedding ring finger. For the past week, I have experimented with not wearing this treasured jewel, a ring I've worn for more than 17 years, my wedding ring. The thoughtful ring, Josh picked out and proposed to me with in February of 2002.
Not wearing this ring makes me sad, but so does wearing it. Even still, the calloused ring marks on my left finger easily gives away the fact that this change is recent.
I am still in test mode with the whole "not wearing a ring" project. And the timeline –– undefined.
This is yet another step within my story as I look to reconcile my identity here and now. I find myself in a new category, not as a married woman but rather a widowed one. This classification is odd.
In the fall, the question sat in my mind as do many questions after loss, "When do I take off my ring?" What I determined since, is that if you are asking that question, maybe it's not time yet. I wasn't ready to experiment until very recently.
Is it time for me? I'm not sure. Again, I am testing this out. I consider putting the ring back on every day. Yet the lingering sad truth remains, my husband isn't coming back. And I'm not betraying him by not wearing it.
I wear his wedding band on my middle finger still, because he's still a big part of my heart and this marker provides a bridge for me.
Clearly, I don't know what God has in store but I continually reflect on the question God often whispers to me, "Do you trust me?" My answer is a weak "yes" or a sarcastic, "of course" and at times just a knowing, sigh.
I share this today as just another element in the grieving spouse process. There's not an official answer to questions like this; it's another piece in the grief puzzle. It all takes time.
Who knows, I may even post later that I put it back on... I do miss wearing it.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.