My go-to music for most Christmases typically is, Elvis and Gene Autry. Both albums are fun and entertaining as they bring back memories that span decades. But this year, both albums seem a bit to peppy for jolly Ol’ Jenn.
Instead this year, I'm drawn to more melancholy melodies. The Lumineers soulful rendition of Blue Christmas seems the most fitting.
I'll have a Blue Christmas without you
I'll be so blue thinking about you
Decorations of red on a green Christmas tree
Won't mean a thing dear, if you're not here with me
In this season, it’s hard to navigate my feelings. Am I blue, because it's been a couple months without Josh and this is just where I am? Or is it because the Christmas cheer all around seems to highlight the chasm of difference between joy and sorrow. It's probably both. Either way, I am in a season of fluctuating emotions.
This Saturday started with an enjoyable coffee date with my sister-in-law Julie before she headed out of town, followed by relaxing and errand running. I even turned on some casual Christmas tunes and as I drove. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before the jolly tunes turned into tears which continued to fall all day long.
“It is what it is.” Right? Josh would occasionally throw out this statement which made us laugh - I am not even sure why, but it did often fit the situation. Whether it was a complex theology question or just responding to something that was less than ideal. We'd agree, "It is what it is."
Riding the emotional rollercoaster of grief, "Is what it is." There are times in this season, when I just need to cry. And it’s okay. Somedays, I feel more spirited and decide to add a little more Christmas decor to the house or go on an adventure - that’s okay too.
I’m reading a book right titled, “It’s OK that You're Not OK,” which encourages those of us in grief to let it be what it is. And while, I know it’s good to keep taking steps forward in the grief process, it’s okay to not have it all figured out and to rest in that moment.
In all honesty, I spent the whole day (Saturday) feeling sad. I embraced it by snuggling with my pups under warm blankets, with only the glowing lights of my blue tree on, and continued the holiday tradition of watching another Hobbit movie - in preparation for Lord of the Rings (a Christmas must).
If you are feeling a bit blue this season too, it's okay.
My encouragement for this day: Listen to the song below and say a prayer of thanks for the person you are missing so much. Maybe even just saying it out loud.
"I miss you!" and let the tears fall.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.