Yes, I'm using this title as an excuse to throw out a Hamilton reference (again) . . . but it is the first thing I realized it has been four whole days since I posted something. This isn't from lack of topics or feelings to write about but rather that my days have been full and by the end of each day my overall energy depleted.
Following my last post, on quite the emotional Thursday, I traveled to Mo. and celebrated my brother-in-law and nephews birthdays, spent Saturday with friends enjoying life, shopping and watching movies; attended church with friends, saw more family finally traveling back home to Arkansas on Sunday.
It was a packed not-so-quiet weekend. In fact, the busy weekend generated even more activity for my mind and emotions as I processed the joyful moments yet again mixed with deep sorrow. With so much inside my mind and not much time to rest in it, I feel like I am racing to map out what to post including thoughts on my brother-in-law's birthday, the idea of "would haves" and Sunday's church message on sorrow - but in a different way. (Stay tuned for some make-up posts)
Tonight though, was a night I needed. Some great Arkansas girlfriends that God so perfectly put into our lives in the perfect way and season came over to spend time with me on my cozy back porch winter scene (also another post). It was the first time that I had people over to hangout with since I've returned and since Josh passed away.
It was casual and fun. The night was filled with cozy blankets, laughter and honest conversations. Even now, hours later I can take a deep breath and say, "That was good."
One of the really tough parts about my home right now especially, is there are so many memories of Josh and I together here. It's not all the good memories that make it hard, but also memories of his decline in health that I witnessed during the past few months and even saying our last goodbye here. Often, I look around the room and feel sad while fighting the desire to be anywhere but here. Tonight, a bit of life and joy entered back into this space, our space.
I know bit by bit this will continue to happen but it's a slow moving process. This doesn't erase the memories or change my current reality but it does help. I'm in a new period of finding my own way and focusing back on my life, health and more. It feels selfish almost but I do know that self care is important too. I opened a fortune cookie last week that said, "Self-care is not self-ish." That reminder is now on display on my work desk. I need the reminder often.
For many of us, grieving might feel selfish but I think this thought is another trick of the devil who wants us to bury the hurt and skip over the healing process that God has for us. So tonight, I rest in the quiet and lean into not so comfy feelings and breath deeply.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.