This weekend was good, enjoyable. I spent time with a friend at a great piano concert - which weaves so much into my story that I am having trouble putting words to it yet, but a post is coming. I enjoyed a casual nature walk with a friend/family member on some NWA trails (I think we are like sibling-in-laws or something), rearranged the living room - again, enjoyed soup at my favorite local place and organized my closets.
Overall, it was a nice weekend but no matter how many things I did at home and away - I kept coming back to this deep ache. I miss Josh. I miss him so very much. There are many moments still when I ask, “Did this really happen?” Sadly, yes. I can talk about it without crying but it doesn’t mean my heart isn’t pounding, that I don’t still feel lost in the woods.
For some reason a silly song from youth group has popped in my head. I think it’s the “Goin’ on a Bear Hunt” song. I can’t even remember all the words but I know part of it is:
”Can’t go over it... Can’t go under it... Gotta go through it... Stomp Stomp, Stomp, Splash...Swish, etc...”
Grief is truly the weirdest adventure to wade through. There’s no a way around it. I could try to avoid it but it wouldn’t help. I could try to run from it but I wouldn’t make it far. It is messy and doesn’t make sense, no matter how hard I try to make sense of it - accepting that fact is still hard.
So what do you do? What do I do? I sigh, cry a little and say aloud to the sky, the trail, the internet, to a photo of Josh - I miss you. It feels good to say it, to keep acknowledging this fact.
“I sure do miss you, monster-bear.
And I am so thankful for our many bear-hunting adventures."
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.