Is God still good when things don’t go the way you want? Yes. I want to say, “Unfortunately, yes” but the unfortunate is a bit short-sighted and selfish. Yes, Josh passing away was an unfortunate turn of events but it doesn't change God's goodness. I know to my core Josh would agree but it doesn't take away the heartache and the tears.
Earlier today, I watched church online, because I’m not quite ready to brave going in person. As I joined in, they began singing one of my favorite worship songs*, “King of my Heart," which has a big chorus proclaiming "You are good," (referencing God) - Interestingly, the first time I heard this song was in Nashville at a conference. Josh tagged along and hung out in coffee shops most of the day but also attend an evening session where they sang this same song. This meaningful song is a hard one to sing right now. One reason is because it reminds me of Josh and the other is because even though I know God is good, life doesn't feel so good.
The bridge of the song, goes on to say, “You’re never going to let me down.” This part is even harder to sing out because in this moment, it indeed feels like God let me down. Josh's healing via heaven wasn't what I wanted. I didn't even want him to have cancer a 4th time, we were way over that topic. We had other plans . . .
So the day becomes a wrestling match. Do I still believe God is good? Do I trust that he really didn't let me down or won't? Hmmm? I might still be working out this part of my faith.
Romans 8:27-29 in The Message reads:
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
Sometimes believing God doesn’t let us down and that he is still good takes a step of faith. A step bigger than we think we can give. For today, all I can do is attempt to move forward - even if it is only an inch of movement - and trust that God knows I’m doing all I can.
Overview of the day note: Today was a mix of feelings. I spent time relaxing at home, then went to dinner with friends and watched a favorite show at another friend's house. I packed for my trip, had a couple cry parties reading sympathy cards and thinking about Josh not being here but overall it was an okay, weird day.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.