Yesterday, I set out on what I would consider my first adventure without Josh. This was a short trip two hours south of me to camp with my dad and step-mom at a bluegrass music festival. This mini-adventure was a good way to mix up my view on this grief highway.
The big challenge was the number of songs about heaven and dying that happened in just a few hours after arriving at the event. Turns out, there are many emotions mixed into those musical riffs. I told dad last night that if we reached five heaven songs, I would be heading back to the camper. Thankfully, I didn't have to exit too early during the evening set. It was a nice evening together and the first time I had been camping without Josh, and with my dad, in over 20 years. It felt a bit strange, of course, but it was nice to have company, to laugh, drink hot chocolate, eat popcorn and listen to music.
Today, we goofed around the small town of Waldron, Ar., shopped flea markets and took silly photos - just like I would with Josh. Of course, I miss him! We all do but we can still find joy in our story - even if it seems fuzzy.
Back to the music . . . the last song I heard today ended up being one call the "Farewell Song" which I couldn't handle as it was all about dying and being surrounded with family and friends at the time. A little too close to home. One line into the song and I knew I wouldn't make it to the end, so I headed to the car for less musical air.
With a few extra hugs, I hit the road to head home. It didn't take long for the blues of the bluegrass to settled in and all I can say is, I needed windshield wipers for my own eyes for part of the drive. Bleh!
But I continued on . . . talked with some friends on the drive and breathed.
Returning home is still strange. The pups were happy to see me, which helps but reality still hits hard, Josh isn't here and he's not coming back home soon. He's not just at work or at an event. So weird. So sad. Did I mention, weird?
I often get tired of the tears and the tears make me tired, yet I know it's part of the process, part of the healing, part of all of it. A big loss means big tears.
Though it all, glimpses of God's loving care surface again and again. In the mix of songs last night, the words of one by Doyle Lawson echoed encouragement to my hurting heart again today.
"Glory be to Jesus, cause I know that he sees us
And he takes care to take care
Of all he calls his own.
Though the enemy assails us
Our God will never fail us.
He knows when we're in trouble
And we'll never walk alone."
I am thankful for a God who is always with me and who sits with me in my sorrow at a bluegrass music festival and so much more.
Here's the link to the official song: "We'll Never Walk Alone"
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.