Oh the ups and downs of grief. The feelings are so unpredictable.
Yesterday was good although anxious as I pepped myself up to attend my first GriefShare event (read previous post for more on that). Today, I felt super low - maybe it was because I was still processing the class or trying to figure out my sleep patterns using some recommended medicine - I'm still behind on good sleep. I do know, I didn’t help when I overheard a conversation about someone else who died maybe even today - a friend of a coworker. It was weird to hear the words, “He was such a nice guy . . . and I'm so sorry...“
I hit a low point driving home again wishing I could call Josh and tell him all about my day. I needed hug from him today for sure - and that’s a lot to say for a non-hugger. Today, would have been a great day for us to have lunch - I miss our random lunch dates and coffee adventures so much.
At one point today some coworkers and I ended up talking about the meaning of the word “Hollar” - a southern words meaning a dip between hills that is smaller than a valley. Because of this most recent conversation, it’s on my mind and today would be a day that I feel like I am definitely in one. Perhaps, I am even in the hollar of a valley. Like, I'm already in a valley in this season of grief but then somedays I slip a bit more down, somedays more up. As I keep writing, this analogy seems to kept getting out of hand but either way, today was rough.
It was one that just seems a little more sad, almost heavy. I felt heavy with grief all day and even now. I haven’t been able to find a pattern to the emotions, they truly are grief bursts, which is frustrating too, there’s still not an easy solution. There are distractions for sure but not quick fixes.
I continue to hope, pray and trust that God is using all of this for good. My vision for the good is still a bit murky but I’m trying and trusting words like this:
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
– Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.