Come What May
I can’t help but think of these words with the realization of this new month.
May is special for me as within this month lands what would have been our 18th wedding anniversary – on, in fact, the 18th. I expect I’ll write about this again, but even hitting May 1 triggers many thoughts and emotions. One of which, being the words to the epic Moulin Rouge song sung at our wedding. A song that I also can't quite listen to yet (I just tried and only made it 10 seconds in before saying, "Nope."
Yet, even without trying, the lyrics rest in my mind like a brick:
Seasons may change, winter to spring
But I love you until the end of time
Come what may
Come what may
I will love you until my dying day
We both loved this song and movie from the day it was released and sang the duet often to each other. How weird to imagine that in some cinematic twist of real life that I might still be singing this song from the perspective of the writer left behind. (Ugh, yea!)
Yet I am . . .
I can’t fully explain the amount of grief processing and work that has happened this past month, but I can say that April was packed with new layers of grief exploration. Within this processing, I continue to work through the idea of change.
What does my life look like today? Who I am? What do I want? etc., etc. My life and role has changed, even as many things about my character, likes and dislikes, are similar. In this new season, my perspective and how I do life, process relationships, make decisions, etc., is quite different and the change ongoing and active. It's not that Josh won't always be a treasured part of my heart and life but that I am seeing my life now as more independent.
I am still figuring out many things, like houses - that’s more complicated. But one big change I am making is to my online presence, switching from Josh & Jenn Adventures to Jenn Brown Adventures.
I began considering this idea over a week ago but found out quickly that it wasn't so easy to erase the words Josh & Jenn from the title of my website. With my finger on the delete button, I wrestled with the action MANY times before finally hitting the delete key 11 times, then typing in Jenn Brown and pressing the publish button. I know it's simply a webpage title and I could change it back, but to me it represents a lot. Of course, the content is still there but the overall title of the home page today is new.
I will continue writing about my grief journey and adventures in real and honest way because I think there's room for this dialogue in our world. But what you might see is the domain name change and more blogs posted from the Grieving On site (still a work in progress).
As I trust that God is continuing to unveil his beautiful story in my life, I strive to hold onto this faith I have come to know well. I have no idea where I am going, but I know that this chapter is not so much about Josh AND Jenn adventuring together now, but about my adventures. Hopefully, I'm not sounding completely self-absorbed in this thinking (there are a lot of I's in this post).
Of course, I carry Josh with me in many ways and could continue to share hundreds of Josh & Jenn adventure stories. We had many wonderful ones. There are still many creative ideas I am considering. Yet, as I work through my grief, I also want to leave room for what God may have next, and want to continue to hope for the future because God is a God of hope.
My grief work is still very active — an ongoing narrative of self review, some fun experiments, hope, doubt and trust – lots of trust. I share in hopes of helping people see behind the scenes of grief. It can be a lonely process for anyone, no matter who or what you are grieving.
Thank you for following along with our Josh & Jenn story and my continued adventures of Jenn Brown.
Looking back at last year’s MayDay post: I still feel the same need for God’s comfort today but in a whole new way.
“When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me.” - Psalm 86:7
I am thankful for a God who answers, come what may.
p.s. You probably should not watch Moulin Rouge if you are sad and grieving. Unless you are just really needing a good cry then go for it and have some tissues nearby.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.