Maybe it was listening to the Ends of the Earth song that we used in the service to highlight Josh (and Jenn) adventures or maybe it’s just that that song means a lot and always reminds me of our adventures, but I found the song on repeat as I crossed from Wyoming to Colorado.
This turned into tears and into a conversation with God with music. “What is the point of all of this?” “Why couldn’t we still make a difference for this world together with us both here?” “Why now?,” etc..., etc..
I can’t say God answered my questions but I felt it was a good conversation. It will take time to see all the good parts and I may not actually ever see these this side of eternity. I can see some good but still really just wish this wasn’t the story being told.
After miles of discussion, thinking, “I am really out here in the middle of nowhere,” I heard God say,
“There is nowhere you can go that I don’t see you. ... I am always with you.”
Later looking at God’s Word While sitting by a campfire in Dinosaur National Park, I read Psalm 139, in which verses 7-13 read:
“Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend to heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in Sheol, behold,
You are there.
If I take the wings of the dawn,
If I dwell in the remotest part of the sea,
Even there Your hand will lead me,
And Your right hand will lay hold of me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, And the light around me will be night,”
Even the darkness is not dark to You,
And the night is as bright as the day.
Darkness and light are alike to You.
For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.”
I don’t know where God is leading me next. And definitely don’t understand why THIS had to be the plan but I am talking to God about it all honestly and trusting him with the process.
For now, it’s a beautiful, quiet night camping in the middle nowhere.
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.