No, I didn’t forget that today is our “would be” 19th wedding anniversary. But here it is late on the 18th of May and I am just now writing out my thoughts.
It seems my brain has been working overtime today - like it was deep in the recesses of my mind trying to wrestle out what to do with this mix of past and present emotions coexisting here and now.
Last year, I took this day off work and was glad I did since I was an emotional wreck from the moment I awoke. I spent time writing and sharing songs about our great love, and spent several hours on a cry-hike feeling the depths of sorrow. By the end of the night I had somewhat recovered.
This year, I didn’t start or end the day with tears. In fact, I even tried to listen to some of “our songs” thinking it would trigger some, but nothing. It’s not that I am not sad. It’s still sad Josh isn’t here to celebrate another year of our marriage. Yet, today with a little more time gone by, I am focusing more and more on other areas of life. I have come to terms to a degree with this loss and the new season I am in.
The gut-wrenching heartache is healing.
Even still, this anniversary definitely felt weird. What do you do with it?
The amazing part is that I have people around me who sit with me in the weird, acknowledge and remind me that it’s okay for it just to be different.
It’s also okay to celebrate this marriage relationship and the love and joy that it represented and still represents. Love, joy, grace, and hope are pieces of that relationship that continue on as attributes in the relationships I am experiencing today - this is actually quite a beautiful realization.
Circling back to songs . . . of course several of “our songs” came from the soundtrack to the tragic Moulin Rouge film - which ends with the writer in the upstairs window typing out “their story” as he promised to do.
What we don’t see is what happens next. Did this writer find love again? Who knows. What we do know is that he experienced great love and reminded us all through the beautiful and creative narrative that, “The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.”
I am so thankful to have experienced great love and to have the opportunity to do this again.
Love is a many splendored thing
Love lifts us up where we belong
All you need is love!
- Moulin Rouge, The Elephant Medley
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.