I have changed.
Recently, while participating in an all-day event, my mind wondered as I recalled how I felt last year when attending this same event. I was eager to learn and excited about the new year. Even in the duller moments, I found entertainment by texting my husband about topics I found interesting or not. Life was good, simple.
Here and now, my excitement is less. I am striving to move forward day by day, but as I sit in this familiar space, my subconscious is active. I'm thinking about how much has changed this past year. I've faced reality in new ways. I've gained strength in many ways and dived into deep waters of grief.
If I pulled an analytics chart of emotions from January 2019 to January 2020, it would be quite interesting. Zooming in on a daily perspective would be even more so.
I want to feel the excitement I did last year, but simply can't reach that tier. The events of 2019 have changed me and how I now respond to new and familiar things. The unwanted change could lead to good, sure. But the change is and has been hard. Earth-shattering.
Fully energized, cheery Jenn is still in here but overshadowed a bit. I'm stuck in an in-between place of rediscovering who I am. What does life look like without my spouse? What new hopes and dreams do I have for my future? Thinking about long-term plans of 5 years down the road seems impossible – I can barely imagine what life might look like next month. My head is less cloudy than a few months ago but still not clear.
Relying on God's word and truth provides an anchor point of hope for today.
"Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off." - Proverbs 23:18
Hi! It's Jenn Brown, writing my story that is now slightly different as we enter a season of new grief. On September 30, 2019, my dear husband Josh passed away after battling brain cancer.